Mick Napier, Artistic Director of the Annoyance Theater in Chicago, included this step-by-step guide to making hash browns in the latest email newsletter.
Dude, you have GOT to get your motherfucking Hash Brown ON! Go get that red potato, not a brown or white, a fucking RED potato and the grater. Don't have a grater, then go straight to IDIOTVILLE. Get a grater on the way home from the job you hate and hold the RED potato. We are doing HASH BROWNS moron! OK, now, grate the potato! There's two to four of you so you want to reach for another RED potato but DO NOT!! That's part of the hash brown secret fuck head, one potato! Why? I'll get to that. Now don't be stupid, find the PAPER TOWELS! Why, because you are making FUCKING EXCELLENT HASH BROWNS for A MEAL to enjoy. Put the shredded RED potato (One) on two sheets of paper fucking towel. Roll it. Get two more sheets of paper towels. Unroll potato on new sheets. Roll it and squeeze. Two more sheets, transfer RED potato (One, not two). Roll it and squeeze. That's right, two more sheets. (DO NOT FUCK THIS UP). SQUEEZE. That is EIGHT sheets total. Eight sheets of paper towel. You can actually omit this step if you want to FUCK UP YOUR HASH BROWNS!! Now, get a skillet that is NOT TEFLON. (Doesn't quite burn properly) Now get BUTTER not OIL. The reason for this is to NOT FUCK UP MAKING the hash browns. Heat the NON Teflon skillet and put a slice of BUTTER in it. Let it melt and simmer for a BIT. Now put RED potato (one) in skillet. IMPORTANT: Find a METAL spatula. You want to further chop the POTATO (red) in the skillet and then MASH and POUND IT DOWN!! More even. Now more. NOW you know why you only need ONE potato. You fucking have got to get that THINNED out in the skillet so they will not be "cakey", but they will get to be the fucking crispy hash browns you find in a DINER. (If you've never been to a diner you're really missing out on something). ANYWAY, NOW! DO! Not flip those hash browns yet! Goddamn, do not touch them! Let them burn. Yes, DRY! (remember the paper towel steps earlier???) Yes BURN. NOW! DO NOT flip them yet!! Listen to me, Let them burn a bit more! Is there a little smoke coming out from underneath? Well then YOU DID IT HAWKING!! A little bit more...... and FLIP IT!! Now you've done it! Fuck It!! (Do not add onion, garlic, salt, or pepper..... believe you me, I went down that crooked road, take it from me it's not a good one..... let the potato (red) flavor win) You are done. You did it. Now's the hard part..... You have to go through the entire day knowing that you made perfect hash browns. Good luck to you.
-Mick Napier, Artistic Director
That was epic.
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